I generally don't like the idea of making a blog a place to complain about one's life... when I read the blogs of my friends, I enjoy them most when they are witty, fun, and light-hearted. I've been thinking for a couple weeks now that I need to update my blog, but I haven't had anything I felt was worth writing about. Today, with a heavy heart, I've decided to go ahead and allow myself to be less than light-hearted. So I hope you will forgive me if this sounds like I'm complaining.
It's been a tough week. What I thought would be a week of fun and some amazing answers to prayer, has turned out to be a week of exhaustion, sadness, and guilt. This week, we sold our first lambs. Ryan and I have been extremely thankful to finally find a market that is willing to pay the price we ask for our lambs. The unfortunate part is that this market is local restaurants, which means our lambs must go to slaughter. We knew since starting this business a year ago that this was a very real possibility, and I've reminded myself many times not to think of our sheep as pets. It's difficult though, when you bottle feed them, and they run to you when you visit, and you care deeply for their well-being, to think of them as dinner. It's a bit of a necessity for us at this point though, as we need to start earning enough money from the lambs to pay for our farm expenses. And our ability to maintain the right frame of mind regarding our lambs will be put to the test this evening, because we'll be eating one of them ourselves! One of the restaurants we sold lamb to is having an event, and they've invited Ryan to attend and speak about how he raises the meat they will be serving. Having pet the face of this dear lamb on Sunday, and saying goodbye, it will be interesting to see how well I stomach eating it tonight! I've gone hunting before (most of my family hunts each year) and I've never had a problem eating anything we've harvested... but I also didn't raise those animals, I didn't name them and comfort them when they were cold or in pain.
Added to the pain of loss, is perhaps an even more significant one to me. Tomorrow, my beloved horse Sundance, will be laid to rest. His health has dwindled steadily for a number of years now, and his spark for life has faded. It's heartbreaking to know he will be gone, but it is equally difficult to watch him suffer, and for that reason I know what is best. Still, each time a beloved pet is lost, I can't help but wonder if I have the strength to go through such pain again... and I always think to myself "this will be my last pet, I cannot endure such heartbreak again". I love animals too much though, and always opt for the joy of many years together, despite the pain I know will one day find me again.
These losses, my lambs and my horse, were ones known to me. Something I could prepare for (if that is even truly possible). The loss of two of our grown ewes, however, was not. Sunday, Ryan checked one of our ewes who had been injured and ill. She had recovered well and we had put her out to pasture. Unfortunately, what we could not see at that time, was an internal infection that had persisted despite a full course of penicillin. On Sunday, Ryan saw the outward manifestations of that infection, and knew she must be put down. When he went up later in the week to take care of her, he found one of our other ewes dead in the pasture, her lamb curled up against her. We have no idea why she died, and the shock of losing another lamb was something I am still struggling to understand.
It's certainly been a sad week. Add to this that I've been getting less sleep than normal, and I think you can understand that I'm a bit frayed. I remind myself often that we are told to expect troubles, and to allow our faith to grow in hard times. I know the pain and sorrow of this world is temporary. So I dab my eyes dry, and wait for happier times to come my way.
That's (my) life!
